Fertility

Families Experiencing Loss and Infertility | Resources

From the moment you get a positive test, your dreams and hopes for this new baby comes to life in thoughts of the future, planning, and expectation.  On the other side, you may never get a positive test, or you have had children and now it isn’t working; that all comes with it’s own weight of disappointment and discouragement.

Miscarriage, loss, and infertility are trying times for all families.  When we come face to face with our deepest feelings, it can actually be a lonely place and feel like no one can truly relate.  Many will try to cheer you up, give positive spins on the situation and say well intentioned statements to you because they want to try to help you feel happy again.  However, dismissing or shoving away our feelings doesn’t help us deal with our pain.

Your feelings are real.

…they are valid, and it’s completely ok to have them, talk about them, & express them.  It’s all part of the process in coming through to the other side of the darkness.  Below you will find lists of helpful resources when going through such an event in the Metro Detroit area.

Bereavement/Loss/Miscarriage In-Person Groups/Websites –

Counselors –

  • Embracing Life Counseling – Laurette Lipman
  • Tina Gutman, LMSW
  • Laurel Hicks
  • James Blundo, PLLC

Books –

  • A Gift of Time: Continuing Your Pregnancy When Your Baby’s Life is Expected to Be Brief by Amy Kuebelbeck
  • Celebrating Pregnancy Again: Restoring the lost joys of pregnancy after the loss of a child by Franchesca Cox
  • Not Pregnant by Cathie Quillet (Infertility)
  • Sufficient Grace by Kelley Gerken
  • Empty Arms: Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth & Infant Loss by Sherokee Ilse
  • I’ll Hold You In Heaven by Jack Hayford

Online support recommendations from fellow moms we know:

  • Resolve – The National Infertility Association
  • The Bump miscarriage/pregnancy loss board
  • Facebook group: Miscarriage, Stillbirth & Infant Loss – 3.4K members
  • Metro Detroit Share

Grieving family members usually find it helpful to continue talking about the situation as much as needed, as often as needed and allowing themselves to feel the full range of their emotions.  It’s ok to be both happy and sad at the same time, there is nothing wrong in that.

It can also be healing to do something special to honor your baby like a dedicated memorial stone at the zoo, planting a tree, create a blog or a website, celebrating birthdays, holding on to mementos, also wearing pins, getting tattoos, or applying car stickers of remembrance can help to heal as well.

Sending out virtual hugs those of you in this spot, dealing with life’s unfairness and processing that our worlds will forever be changed or missing something.

If you have something you feel would be beneficial to add to the list above, please let us know by commenting below.

Metro Detroit Doula Services

If you have any questions or needs, we are here for you & will do our best to help.  Give us a call or connect with us via email at info@metrodetroitdoulaservices.com, also on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

What’s Wrong With Me? | Feelings of Infertility

Disclaimer: I’m completely grateful for the babies we have been blessed with.  I am allowed to feel a range of emotion as I struggle with the difficulties of secondary infertility.  Just want to be clear. ♥

I remember it well.  The idea of becoming a mother had always been in my “one-day” dreams of a big family.  I was 26.  I remember the excitement, the anticipation, the uncertainty if we were really ready to become parents.  I remember thinking, this felt special and different and we could seriously have just started a new life!  How exciting it all was!

Then for those of us who aren’t so lucky to get pregnant at the drop of a hat, I began experiencing the bummed emotion that washed over me when my cycle would return at the end of every month.  What was once a let’s just see what happens attitude soon turned to a this isn’t as easy as we thought it would be worry.

After reading up on becoming pregnant and other’s experiences the, “Do we want to try for a certain sex or birth month?” discussions turned into prayers for a baby of any sex, due any month.

I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility an excellent book written by Toni Weschler.  It was insightful, informative, taught me a lot about my own body, how to chart, and is now in our library to stay.  With lots of prayers, charts, temperature taking, ovulation sticks, sex and funky positions among other things, after 17 months of trying we FINALLY conceived.  I finally stood there holding a positive pregnancy test in hand – shaking.  I was on cloud nine!

sweetbaby
All the plumbing worked!  We delivered a healthy baby girl.

Surely, trying for baby number two would be easier because why wouldn’t it be?!

Things started out the same way going from nonchalant to intensive focus.  I read more and looked into other issues.  This time after 24 months of trying turned into charting, it worked!  Some would say all the sex is great – which was enjoyed mostly, but for those of us who have been there you can’t help but start to wonder,

What is wrong with me?  And why have I been worried about preventing all those years?  This is not as easy as I thought!

It’s heartbreaking and it sucks.  You stand between the thoughts of maybe it worked this month, to not wanting to get your hopes up in fear of being let down.

siblings
We had our second baby, a son, on a beautiful autumn day.  Well, we’ve been trying yet again and it hasn’t been any easier, and it hasn’t been any quicker, and I even got pregnant and miscarried this past year, to which they said I would be more fertile within the next 6 months.  And still, we are not pregnant.

I’m quickly approaching my 40’s and I really do feel like my clock is ticking.

I feel at a loss.  I feel like it is so out of my control.  And I feel like I’m in limbo waiting which direction my life will go.  Why can’t I just be like those women who get looked at the wrong way and get pregnant?  Why isn’t it working?  Is it something I didn’t do? Is it the endometriosis I never had officially confirmed?  Is it something else I don’t know about?  Maybe it’s just not meant to be.

Way back in the beginning I proudly announced to my OBGYN that we were trying.  Her response to me was,

Great!  If you don’t get pregnant in 3 years come see me.

I’ve both relaxed in this statement and become resentful of it.  I understand it’s normal to not happen right away, there are many factors that may come into play.  I also understand not everyone has 3 years and not everyone is willing to wait.  The tricky part about second hand infertility is that it worked before!!!… why not now?   In our case 3 times.  Upon research, apparently 60% of infertility cases are secondary, so we are not alone in our struggles.  And like many things revolving around women’s bodies, people just don’t talk about it.